Am I a liar? Is that really how people see me, as a fraud? That idea was cemented for me last night during a discussion with someone very close to me. It seems as though some of my actions, though intended for good, only prove to tell the world that I am a big fat liar!
Let me back track. This all began several months ago when I was feeling a bit down in the dumps. In true insecure fashion, I sent a message to those near and dear to me and afforded them the opportunity for brutal honesty. I asked them to be truthful and let me know my biggest faults. Several of them came back with smart ass comments in only the way that my Louisiana friends could provide. I chuckled and prodded them to be serious. I really wanted to learn something about myself. I really wanted to make myself a better person by changing some of my flaws. It is not often that a person wants to hear bad things about themselves and even less often when a person says they are willing to change – especially if that person is me!
At my urging, I got some heart-felt and sincere responses. Most of them referenced my sensitivity which I know is a big problem. I get my feelings hurt faster than Meredith Baxter Birney in any Lifetime™ for Women movie of the week. If you do not know the reference, imagine some woman crying because her husband cheated, her mom died, her son is battling cancer and she has been given only three weeks to live. That is the sort of emotionality to which I am referring. Knowing well that I can be a bit on the tender side, I am trying to toughen myself up. I am trying to stop taking things in the worst possible fashion. Goal one – stop reacting before I fully understand someone’s point. That, though most difficult for me at times, has been the most beneficial step that I have taken to be a better me and to make me easier to deal with. Hopefully those close to me appreciate the effort.
Yet, I had one friend that provided me with an answer that I had not expected. She told me that I was a liar. I was dumbstruck. I was confused. Truth be told – in true Kari fashion – I cried. Then, I stepped back and tried to really comprehend what she was expressing.
For those of you who know me well, I am one of those people that need to help. I said that accurately in that I do not want to help, I need to help. I feel better when I can assist someone with a problem, a dilemma, a life-crisis situation. I enjoy being the person that others turn to when they are in trouble, in need, in desperation. If I were honest with myself, I might admit that I am addicted to the feeling of being a savior.
Problem with saviors is that they tend to stretch themselves too thin. I am guilty of this crime as charged. I want to help everyone and I end up stressed and overwhelmed. This is where the lying comes into play.
I cannot say “NO”. I do not understand how to say “I CAN’T”. I do not know how to say “I DON’T HAVE TIME”. I refuse to say “I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH AND CANNOT FIX YOURS.” Because of this inability, I burn my bridges at both ends, stress myself to the breaking point and end up with fatigue and other physical problems. Then I transform from savior to liar.
Friends and family want to return the favor of help and offer me their support, their ears to listen, their shoulders to cry upon. They ask if I am alright and I lie to their faces. I say “I AM OKAY” when everyone can easily see that I am far from contentment. They ask me what’s wrong and I say “NOTHING.” Those close to me see me in bouts of agony and discomfort and offer me a reprieve. I decline, lie once again, and say “I CAN HANDLE IT ON MY OWN.”
What I did not realize is that my assertions are lies. I say these things hoping to keep the burden from others, hoping to retain my independence and hoping that no one will notice how truly vulnerable I am. I fail horribly at hiding my weaknesses. I fail horribly at hiding my emotions. If you know me at all, you know that my facial expressions and body language speak for themselves. I cannot control them, though I lie to myself and to the world, and say that I can. I am a liar. I am a teller of untruths. I am a deceiver. I am, using the vernacular of my grandfather, full of shit.
Now, I need to do my best to change that awful truth about myself. I really just want to deny it and say it is other people’s problems if they want to look at my kindness for releasing them from any responsibility for me as a lie. I want to say that I really am doing a good thing by trying to handle my own problems on my own. I want to remain exactly the same and hope that people will accept me as I am. I want to say those things but that too is just bullshit. If I said those things, I would still be a liar – this time, I would just be lying to myself.
Since I have only come as far as the realization and acceptance of the fact that I am a liar, I am a bit lost. So, my first attempt at changing this habitual lying will be to admit that I am not alright. I am not content. Frankly, I feel a bit overwhelmed and could use some help. If anyone has any ideas on how to transform this liar into a regular girl again, please feel free to share. And in true Kari fashion, I offer you all an apology for lying, for disrespecting you and for turning you away when you were just trying to show how much you care.