I’m registered at Tiffany’s!

I just got the most amazing news.  One of my closest girlfriends is getting married!  I was ecstatic, elated and eager to find out the details.  How did it happen?  WHEN are you getting married?  WHERE are you getting married?  What about the ring?  Then, I stopped for a second and thought.  Wait a minute here, something is missing:  WHO are you marrying?

This lovely young woman has been single ever since I met her almost two years ago.  There have been a few possibilities here and there, all of which she passed up on the highway that is her life. They were not the right fit, no spark, no za za zoo.  Now, out of nowhere, she tells me she is getting married.

What she says next put me into a state of utter awe.  She says,” I am marrying myself.”

Of course we banter back and forth for a few seconds on the absurdity of marrying yourself and the potential violation of many laws if this self-love is declared in public.  We giggle, like bad girls do, and then she explains this further and changes my point of view on marriage forever.

She explains that she is frustrated that all her married friends get all the good parties, good gifts, good tidings.  As a single girl, she is often treated as a person worthy of pity.  “Poor thing.  She is all alone.”  or the always pleasant “one day someone will love you”.  Ouch.

So she decided to take matters into her own hands.  She said that she loved herself just as she is and did not need to change herself for some man.  So, if someone else did not want to marry her, she could marry herself. And, in the process, she can get lots of stuff for her house!

Yes, she the uber-savvy young lady that she is, has decided to register this marriage to herself at places like Target and Bed Bath and Beyond.  Like all soon-to-be-married couples, she will thrust her wants and desires onto those that she loves (and some she just likes) so they can foot the bill on fancying up her digs.

Pewter salt and pepper shakers - check.

New linens - check.

Crazy colored margarita glasses - check.

I think this is genius.  First of all, why do you need to wait for some man to put a ring on your finger to determine your value as a person.  Hoorah for her decided that she determines her own worth.  Tell those people in the stands judging your life that being single is not a disease - especially if the only cure is a marriage to a man (or woman) of which the probability for success is less than 50%.

Second of all, so many of my pseudo-friends (those hangers on from years gone by) are getting married and hitting me up for gifts.  They send me these expensive invitations with precious little tucked in cards that tell me where I should buy their gifts.  I barely like most of them, and they have not called or talked to me in eons.  Yet, because some dude put a ring on their finger and they decided to take out an extravagant loan to pay for a wedding that might lead to a three-year marriage, I am obliged to buy them a china serving dish or a lazy Susan.  Screw that.  I would prefer to spend money on my single girlfriends, those that still need the stuff for their homes, those girls without two incomes to stock a house - those friends that I actually talk to on a regular basis.

So to my newly engaged good friend, I wish you all the very best on your upcoming nuptials.  I am happy to receive your registration information and will happily march to the register to buy any old silly thing you want for your place.  May your marriage be a success and your marriage bed never be cold!  He He He….